Posted by
This Guy on Friday, July 28, 2006 12:56:01 PM
So I returned from my summer vacation and discovered gnomes had moved into my backyard. They're fairly small, but there are about a thousand of them, and they were mighty unruly, so I invited them to sit down on the lawn to help me come up with some ground rules for them all to follow.
At first, I thought it would be pretty easy, but man ... trying to come up with rules for a thousand gnomes can be a real headache. I started with what I thought was going to be an easy one ... no gnome should be allowed to kill another gnome. I admit, it was selfishly motivated. The only thing worse than dealing with a live gnome in your backyard is having to clean up a dead one. I know some of you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, no sooner than I had decreed No Gnome Murder, Sagwi (a scruffy little fellow with an orange hat) piped up and argued that it might be necessary to occasionally murder a gnome if, for example, the victim insisted on playing his frow-horn at all hours of the night. We discussed it at length and after creating a list of exceptions over three hundred pages long, I decided maybe we should move on to something else and come back to that one later.
So I proposed an Every Gnome Must Tend His Own Plot rule, requiring each gnome to maintain his own individual part of my yard. I suggested it because I was pretty sure they didn't want me running around with a lawnmower back there. Almost all of them agreed that it was a reasonable requirement, but then Howfet (another scruffy fellow with yellow trousers) explained how he was allergic to grass.
I proposed a No Frow-Horn Playing After Dark rule, in the interest of saving as many little gnomish lives as possible, but Flen (also scruffy ... there may be a pattern) protested because he has sensitive skin and can't practice outside unless the sun's down.
My No Muddy Gnome Feet in the House suggestion was shot down by Hark, whose feet are too large for the usual gnomish boots. And my No New Gnomes in My Backyard suggestion? Grop has relatives two yards over that he hopes to bring in next spring.
I took a new tact. I tried an All Gnomes May Frolic proposal. It was defeated by a vocal minority (of two) who strongly opposed frolicking of any sort.
After nearly 46 hours of attempted legislation, I gave up and went inside. My backyard is in utter disarray, and I haven't slept because of all the frow-horn playing, but if we can't come up with a set of rules that works for each gnome, I don't guess there's much point in having rules at all.